Here’s a few funnies, at least we tried to be:
1) Ben: You know, since I got sober, I can say things that I never could have said before.
Jim: Like what?
Ben: Like “I’m sober”.
2) Ben: Why would anyone want to be sober when they could have a drink?
Jim: Because one drink is never enough, and no drinks is easier to repeat.
3) Ben: What’s more satisfying than having a drink that you really want?
Jim: Not having a drink that you really want, and enjoying it.
4) Bill: What’s the best way to stay sober?
Tonya: Don’t buy any alcoholic beverages!
5) Bill: What’s better than having a nice, cold, alcoholic drink on a hot afternoon?
Tonya: NOT having a nice, cold, alcoholic drink on a hot afternoon if it’s just the first of more to come.
6) Ron: If you start your day with an alcoholic drink of your choice, how will your day end?
Brenda: You probably won’t know.
7) Ron: What’s the fun of not having the drink of your choice when you really want one?
Brenda: Not regretting it later.
8) Ben: Three guys apply for a job. Two of them are sober and one of them is not. Which one will probably not care if he doesn’t get the job?
Ten good reasons to be sober:
1) It makes the sound of a closing door quieter.
2) It makes that throbbing feeling in your head much gentler.
3) You can remember where you were the night before and how you got home.
4) You enjoy the taste of food, and people don’t mind eating with you.
5) Your friends don’t rely on you to be the life of the party or to tell embarrassing jokes.
6) Little things don’t bother you much, and big things don’t push you over the edge.
7) You still have money in your pockets at the end of the day.
8) You don’t look forward to going to work, but at least you still have a job.
9) All that racket the kids make sounds like them growing up instead of a demolition crew remodeling the house.
10) You feel better about yourself because that constant urge to have something to calm your nerves down eventually goes away.
Here’s a few more
1) Sam: Why are you putting so much fruit in that vodka, Mickey?
Mickey: The fruit makes it taste better, and it’s good for you.
Sam: Do you know what would make it even better for you?
Mickey: No, what?
Sam: Eat the fruit without the vodka.
2) Sam: The National Bartenders Union just had a contest to see who could mix the healthiest drink. Do you know what drink won?
Mickey: No. What won?
Sam: A virgin screwdriver.
Mickey: Hey, that’s just orange juice and ice.
Sam: Who’d have thought?
3) Sam: Some scientists just announced what they said is the healthiest drink you can order.
Mickey: What is it?
Sam: A virgin Bloody Mary.
Mickey: I wonder how that beat a glass of ice?
4) Sam: If you only had four minutes to live, what kind of drink would you order?
Mickey: Drink? I wouldn’t order a drink, you idiot. I’d call for an ambulance!
Sam: Even if it was Happy Hour?
5) Brenda: They say that new guy they just hired doesn’t smoke, drink, or eat candy.
Bill: I wonder what he indulges himself with?
6) Brenda: If there are so many good reasons not to start drinking alcohol, why do people do it?
Bill: For the same reasons they drive bad — it’s easy, it’s fun, and lots of other people do it.
Brenda: So, is that the reason they cheat on their taxes, too?
Bill: No, that’s because they hate paying taxes.
7) Brenda: I wish someone could give me one good reason not to take a drink right now.
Bill: How about because we’re in church.
Brenda: Well, yes. That’s a good reason.
If you have anything funny to add, please email them to firstname.lastname@example.org